“Be still, and know that I am GOD.” (Ps 46:10)

I have an extreme personality. I am all or NOTHING. Many people would call me INTENSE or extravagant.

I am really great at DOING, but the hardest thing for me to DO is to be STILL.

So I keep my schedule packed and just continue to push through because the week is almost over or I only have one more month until break. I tend to keep my thoughts on the future and not the present. Then God sent me to UGANDA, where everything is “okay please.”

I was really struggling because I felt useless just hanging out in the wards not doing anything, so the personality type that I am, I sought out a job where I would be busy! I was practically begging someone to put me to work. I was sent to do paper work where, after completing the job, I was told to RELAX. I was told that I did not have to keep working that I should just sit and be still.

…And then He said to me,
“Be still, and know that I am GOD.” (Ps 46:10)

Yes I know you are God, but WHY do I have to be still? I think He brought me here so that He could free me from my bondage just as He freed the Israelites from Egypt.

There is no quick fix; I cannot simply undo who I am. I cannot simply rest and relax; there is a REASON why I keep myself busy, and a reason why I need to drink coffee ALL day long! I go, go, and go all the time and so I am exhausted. I am missing out on the good things that God has given me TODAY because my mind is already on TOMORROW. While I race around controlling my life by making lists and checking them off, I am missing out on “Life that is truly life.” (1Ti 6:19)

Being still means that I have to deal. Deal with feelings and emotions that I have so desperately tried to ignore. I desire to live a life of reckless abandonment to the Lord, but I have been hiding my pain and holding onto an idea. This idea of keeping myself busy enough not to feel has normally kept my feelings in the dark until NOW.
I could never wholly give my heart to the Lord, because I never really knew what was keeping me from Him. I could not discern His voice in all my CHAOS. I was my own worst enemy; I was a slave to my own suffering. My sorrows were such a disappointment that they were actually a BURDEN, that Jesus wanted to carry. Christ wanted Lordship over my life, He wanted my whole heart, but I still wanted my Dad.

A little girl longs to be in her father’s arms, because it is in that place that she can truly rest.

I have never loved anything or anyone the way I loved my Father. He was my comforter, protector, and my friend. I trusted him to protect me and keep me out of harm’s way. So when he led my five-year-old self to the back yard and told me I could keep the garden snake he found, I trusted that this snake would not harm me.

I loved that he cared so tenderly for God’s creatures, and I loved that he wanted to share the experience with me. Catching grasshoppers in our rose garden, rescuing a mole from our swimming pool, or the time he actually gave mouth to mouth when my cat gave birth to a dead kitten. I loved that every Saturday was Kid’s Day. I loved how helpless yet safe I felt in his arms as he threw me across the pool. I loved that I was his Precious, and that I was precious enough to go to work with him. I loved to dance with my toes on his toes and my hands in his hands.

Which is why I hate that when he got sick with CANCER, he never told me. I was angry, because the only man I ever loved broke my heart and left me the day he died. So in my mind I could never fully give my heart to the Lord, because I never really realized that my heart was broken over my Dad. So I kept myself busy for 13 years and NOW I can finally rest.

I KNOW that my Dad was just trying to protect me by not telling me, but it STILL hurt. I was angry, and God wanted me to forgive him just as Jesus forgave me. I had to make “restitution in full” (Lev 6:5). So that I could fully accept and understand the atonement Jesus made.

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you.” (Zep 3:17-18)

God had to pull me into the desert so that I could be vulnerable enough to rely solely on Him. I NEED His daily bread, and daily it shall be! I am tired of running 100 miles an hour in front of where I actually need to be, and right now I need to be in the “pearl of Africa” (Winston Churchill), in Uganda, learning that no matter how BIG the issue of poverty, oppression, death, disease, and famine, there is no need to be anxious or worry because God is in control, so “Be still, and know that I am GOD.” (Ps 46:10)

I admire the Ugandan’s faith in the LORD as their provider and comforter.
My prayer is that I may learn how to relax in the LORD for all my needs. My prayer is that I may learn how to slow down and listen to His commands for my life. My prayer is that I may learn not to be a victim to the SYMPTOMS I perpetuate in order to maintain control: that I will live a life of reckless abandonment!

Alleluia! AMEN!